|
| so im sick of feeling like im a failure. i did choose to leave sc. they wouldve let me continue but on probation. but they werent going to kick me out. i chose to leave. it just sucks that i know i know sooo much but since i have no piece of paper that says i know all this shit, andknow it well, i feel as though i aint got shit. i feel like im a waste of space. its a terrible feeling. but i KNOW i have a lot to offer. but i dont know it with everything in me and thats the problem. its so bad to see the sign but not believe it. i want out of this rut. im feeling better. but i still feel like shit.
i realize my anger toward my aunt has a lot to do with the fact that i feel like she may have abandoned me the most. i knew my parents did that to me, i didnt accept it but i expected the bad shit from them. but my aunt was there for me. she loved me. then she fucking hated me.
a negative belief i realized i have is that i believed that i honestly make people unhappy. how sad is that. im trying to reflect and figure out what exactly makes me feel that way. but i know most of it probably comes from ages 3-5, as the psychic yesterday said. I can agree with that. dad was cheating. mom was gambling and leaving me places. she hella ditched me. and would forget!!! she would FUCKING FORGET HER DAUGHTER!!!!!!!! i made her unhappy. it was my fault she got stuck with dad. it was my fault her life changed forever. it was my fault.
fuck that. it wasnt my fault. i didnt make the "mistake". and dad, i didnt make the mistake of marrying someone i felt weird with post coitally. like i even wanted to fucking know that.
i watched mom & dad scream at each other, mom would throw objects at dad. like laundry baskets and lamps? maybe vases. i cant remember but she threw a lot of shit.
i cant believe how many places she left me. she left me at child care at a church while there was evening service. she got caught tho cuz she wasnt there when i spilled apple juice and started crying. i thought i was in so much trouble. i cant remember if they were actually mean to me, or their attitude changed when they couldnt find mom in the chapel.
or that night she was playing mahjong and fucking left me. i was sleeping in some room and some lady came and woke me up saying mom was waiting outside for me. moms lights were on & the car was running. yeah you tell me she didnt drive off and realize she forgot me. thats so fucking terrible. FUCKING TERRIBLE.
i was always forced to hang out with kids who didnt want to hang out with me anyway. they kept running off and leaving me. so i just stayed in one place. maybe it was just cuz they were older than me. i guess that makes moresense. it's not like they were supposed to be babysitting me.
I remember one birthday in nursery school my parents came by to celebrate. they brought a cake and balloons. then it was naptime and they had to leave. i couldnt stop crying. Now i understand why. the holocaust past life time came back up for me. going to sleep in a dark room right after my parents leave me was just like when my parents hid me. i died soon after alone and cold and hungry and scared.
man i was hurt a lot when i was little. i was abandoned a lot. and i took it worse the another kids might have because of what i came into this life with. looking back at me at that age was so scared, hurt, frightened, not safe at all. not warm, not loved. scared shitless.
it's amazing how those moments added up to really fuck me up growing up. and I release the pain. I release the fear. I am safe and I am loved.
| | |
| grrrrrrrrrr sometimes I HATE MY FAMILY!!! i understand my name is on the aaa but why is there such a need to get shit done right this fucking second and stress me out when if you had just waited & all communicated with each other properly, then i wouldnt have to get involved. it's always put on me. sheens do this. sheena didnt do this so thats why we cant do this. we're stuck cuz sheena isnt helping us out. let's all stand around watching someone drown till sheena gets here to save the person since we can't do anything till she gets here.
it'd be better if they could just say "when you get a chance. . . we know you are working so when you get a chance. . . " instead "well you didnt do it last night so do it RIGHT now". then i call to let my dad know that i cant add mom and len pipes up in the back sayin that after 24 hours the car can get towed from fresno to stockton. so then i reply "then why are you bothering me?" and len starts freakin the fuck out in the background. whatever len, youre still comin off your binge so youre way grumpier these next few days. so your reaction will not get a reaction out of me cuz it's not my fucking problem.
a part of me feels like im supposed to help out of the goodness of my heart but theres a fine line between helping and being used as a doormat. im not just sitting around with nothing to do hoping i can be at your service. my help is never appreciated anyway. every effort ive put into helping you and helping you feel better has always gone unnoticed and unappreciated. even sacrificing an entire credit card for you is completely unappreciated. UGH
IM PISSED YOU GUYS SUCK. YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK. | | |
| i fucking hate having to be the parent sometimes. why am i coming up with the solutions to lens problems. what the fuck. dad cant you come up with the right solution? geeeezus how fucking hard is it. i hate having to put my name and my credit on the line cuz alannas fucking stuck in so cal. grr. why do i always have to step up and take my entire day to handle someone elses fucking problems. i know id want someone to help me to but gd. len always makes everything my fucking issue then i have to take care of her. I HATE IT.
| | |
| so im a little disappointed this morning. it's like im just not destined to ever party. i know i havent been able to drink lately which pisses me off to no end. and it seems that whenever I want to party, it never fuckin happens. like my birthday. i wanted to party. but i sabotaged it with my adderall binge and flaked on goin to a cool ass hard to get into club cuz i couldnt keep my fuckin eyes open. the time before that, i invited my coworkers and it ended up being a fucking work reunion with me sitting on the outside. I guess my lack of desire and need to be a center of attention keeps me from getting what i want maybe?
last night i wanted to party. but i got so high all day that by the time it was evening, steve seemed like he would rather just chill so i fucking fell asleep, "knowing" i was going to be disappointed. no one ever seems to want to do anything with me. sometimes i wish i was alone then i wouldnt mind going to a fucking party alone. id be scared & its probably stupid to do things alone as a female, but fuck sometimes i just want to have fun. and leading up to last night, there was no mutual desire to celebrate so of course my high dropped to the ground. and the last thing i need is to drag someone along to do something against their will or me feel the usual vibe of them hating or being bored with me or with what i want to do. that fucking sucks. what a terrible feeling.
i think a big part of it is the fact that i dont make it clear myself how much i want to do something. i feel like i get to the comfort point where doing nothing is all i want to do. i actually sometimes forget what i like to do for fun. i love dancing, but i hate the club scene. i want to get drunk, but drunk me isnt the best person sometimes.
as im writing, im trying to figure out why im so disappointed i feel like crying. i think it's a build up of all the disappointments when ive wanted to do something fun. and it includes my birthdays and halloweens. birthdays just sucked cuz i dont have friends. the few i have aren't close enough. i get tired of this same pattern cuz this is how it was for me when i was younger. constantly disappointed whenever i wanted to have a good time. over and over when i was younger i would be disappointed on my birthday every year. even the fucking year i had a party. i was crying at my party.
why do i keep comparing halloween to my birthday? is it simply becuz of the disappointment? it's a night of celebration and everyone else fucking celebrates & has a good time on these 2 occassions except for me.
i think im most upset about not being able to really drink cuz it's bad enough i dont necessarily feel like i belong and not being able to drink takes me further away from being like everyone.
im tired of not belonging. im tired of being alone.
| | |
| it's been a while. a lot has happened. I'll start with last night.
I saw my cousin jeanelle. she invited me to her graduation. auntie jeanette was there. I havent seen them since I dont know when. When everyone else turned their back on me. in my eyes, no one tried to talk to me or my sister or let us know where my mom was. I dont care that you didnt want to get involved, I care that you werent there for me when I needed you the most.
She was damn near my sister. we were together all the time. and when we stopped talking, all the memories went away. I almost forgot about our halloween costumes. I forgot a lot of my younger years. thats so sad to me.
i was so hurt that they all did that to me. I was so upset. im feeling it now. i hurt. it aches to the bone. i couldnt stop crying last night. and again this morning. i was angry then. the anger turned to sadness.
im most upset with my auntie emma. that bitch betrayed me the most. how could you lie to me like that? how could you try to physically remove me from your house when all I was doing was asking where my mom was. you fucking bitch. i know you want to stand by your sister but fuck, you were really fucking mean to me! you even had the nerve to call the godddddamn cops! i didnt even do anything!!!! but that was just another fucked up thing you did. before that I trusted you to keep our families safe. and even though you knew what he did, you went back and showed your loyalty to him? blood is supposed to run thicker than water, more so with a fucking perve. you bitch.
whats weird to me is that everyone just stopped talking to me all at one time. no matter how it happened, why it happened, I took a fucking hit. and it never got better. its like time was the solution. I would love to keep jeanelle close. I feel like I lost a sister. but i know that i cant trust her. but it has been a long time and maybe things have changed.
| | |
|
